i’m seriously starting to feel like I’m gonna be single for the rest of my damn life… apparently I’m never good enough for anybody and there’s always somebody smarter or funnier or skinnier or better looking than me. and don’t comment on this saying “it’s not you, it’s them” or “don’t worry, you’ll find someone” cuz I’ve heard all that non-genuine shit before and guess what nothing ever changes for me. like deadass, I’m done getting fucked over in some way by every person I meet. i’m done trying to be a better person when I never get shit in return, and people still see me for the same person I used to be. I’m a great fucking person, and I guarantee you I will be a better and more caring boyfriend to you than whatever douchebag you talk to next. problem is nobody ever gives me a chance to prove that.
so if you like me, actually fucking like me. don’t hookup with my best friend knowing I have feelings for you. don’t pretend like you don’t know me when I run into you in public. don’t lead me on for two weeks and tell me, my friends, and pretty much everybody else you want to make our relationship official, then talk to and flirt with other people behind my back before telling me you just wanna hookup with other people more than date me. and for the fucking love of god, don’t say you “just want to be friends” unless you mean it. because every idiot knows that’s just code for “go away”. which becomes really obvious when you never wanna see me or talk to me ever again.
I don’t know exactly what it is about me that makes people like me at the beginning and then give up on me not too long after without ever really giving me a chance to prove what an amazing person I really am, but if somebody knows why, please feel free to inbox me the answer. Do it anonymously, I could give less of a fuck, I’d just finally like to know what’s so wrong with me that makes everybody not want to give a fuck about me and not want to date me.
I used to LOVE Christmas. The presents, the family dinners, the memories… now it doesn’t even feel like a holiday anymore. It felt like a waste of a two hour drive home just to stay for a day and a half then go back up to Albany and work. Got into a fight with my mom right before dinner and ended up going into my room and sleeping through the entire party. And to top it all off, I just found out that I should have never trusted or cared about someone I thought I was gonna end up dating, because apparently they are just as shady and hurtful as every other person I end up developing feelings for. The holidays used to be my favorite time of the year, I loved everything about them. Now, I just wish I could stop pretending to be all happy and shit so I can go back to reality. The last 24 hours really made me remember just how much I hate being home in Westchester, and I’m so glad I’m leaving tomorrow morning to go back to Albany. And yes, this may be the most wompy pessimistic post I’ve ever written… but at the current moment in time, no fucks are given. Merry Christmas… or at least I wish it was for me.
…I suddenly realize how much I actually like you, and I never should have blown my chances to be with you. I was stupid and stubborn and ignored you the entire time you wanted me, and now all of a sudden I find myself jealous that you’re with someone that isn’t me. I had a chance, and I walked away. Now I have to swallow my pride and pretend like I’m okay with it but now that I see the real you and how sweet and caring you actually are with your boyfriend contrary to what I believed you would be like if we dated, and how while you’re so happy with someone I’m still single and lonely, I feel like such an idiot for ever saying no.
Why the hell do I always throw away good things thinking something better will come about, when I had the “better” in front of me all along?